underthecyberbed

Twin Rocks, Oregon

I met him on the cliffs

of Twin Rocks, Oregon

he was sittin on his bedroll

lookin just like Richard Brautigan

I thought he was an old man,

though he wasn't but 37

he said he'd been ridin trains

for 15 years and drawin portraits

to keep his belly full of beer

and it looked to me

like he'd died

and missed the plane to heaven

but he was a nice old guy

for a younger man

he had a bottle of mad dog

that he held in his hand

and he waved it around a lot

to make his point

and I listened as

he told his tales

of wine and women

and county jails

and we finished off that bottle

and we smoked a half a joint

and he said,

I came here to

watch the sun

disappear into the ocean

'Cause it's been years

since I smelled this salty sea

he turned his bottle

up and down

and I saw him lost

and I saw him found

and he said, I don't know

what i've been lookin for...

maybe me

Well, I told him I too

had been travelin around

livin out of my van

from town to town

and playin for tips

and whatever records I could move

I said

I don't reckon

I'll be makin it big

y' know , it's hard

to get rich off a tour

of coffee house gigs

and he said , yeah ...

but ain't it a blessin

to do what you wanna do?

And I told him, yeah

I pulled off here to

watch the sun

disappear into the ocean

`cause it's been years

since I smelled this salty sea

and he turned his bottle

up and down

and he saw me lost

and he saw me found

and I said, I don't know

what I've been looking for...

maybe me

I said, it's getting

kind of late

I'd better be heading

down the interstate

can I give you a lift

to san francisco bay?

he said nope... I think

I'm just going to

sit here and rest, and

maybe wait on the

tokyo-montana express

I might just lay here

and dream my life away

yeah

I'm going to sit right here,

I'm going to watch the sun

disappear into the ocean

`cause it's been years

it's been years!

i'm gonna turn my bottle

up and down

and you can see me

Lost

and you can see me

Found

I met him on the cliffs

of Twin Rocks, Oregon

he was sitting

on his bedroll

looking just like

Richard Brautigan

Just like him

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09-FEB-2002 16:45: Under the Cyber-Bed

Tess lay on the floor of Apartment 311A of the Cloud Cuckoo Land Motel with both hands tucked behind her head. She strained forward, trying to touch her elbows to her knees. "Se-e-e-e-ven!" she grunted. She slumped her shoulders to the floor and struggled to repeat the process.

"Good morning, madame," Gallagher said from behind her.

Tess strained forward once more, "Eighty two!" she gasped before collapsing to the ground, her arms splayed out at her side. "Hoo-boy! That's enough of that!" She stood and brushed invisible specks of dust from her pajama'd legs. "Good morning, Gallagher. I've made coffee already, would you like some?

"I'd love a cup, madame. What about you, do you need a topper?"

"No. Sit," she said. "I'll get it. I owe you for keeping you up so late last night."

"It's quite alright, madame. I am your butler, after all. You did hire me."

"Sit!" she commanded. Gallagher sat. "Anyway, I didn't hire you. god must've done it."

Tess poured two cups of steaming coffee, brought them over to the table and slid one Gallagher's way as she took the seat opposite him. "Which is not to suggest that you're no good," she continued. "In fact, you're better than I imagined anyone could be. You're certainly better than I could have found on my own. Thanks god," she said as she lifted her cup in silent cheer.

"Thank you, madame," Gallagher stammered with a blush. "I-I try."

"I wouldn't say it unless I meant it. No need to feel bashful."

"Thanks again, madame. That means a lot to me. I haven't done this before. It's reassuring to know that I'm doing something right."

"You're doing just fine, Gallagher."

"There's something I don't understand though," he said.

"Which is?"

"Your mother died, right?"

"Right," Tess replied.

"And then Leprosy Man came along just after that"

"Right," Tess said. "Just a few days after my mother's memorial."

"When did you lose your AC Friend?"

Tess sighed. "Two weeks later," she said. "Except I didn't really lose him. That Friendship is in purgatory, or maybe intermission. So maybe I'll get it back. Or maybe I won't. That might be another one of those things I don't want to look at very closely. But I started to lose him right when I started to lose my mother, so both those losses are all tangled up in each other whereas Limh is all tangled up with Leprosy Man.

"When did you lose Limh?" he asked.

"After the war."

"And this all happened in the past year or so?"

"Uh-huh," Tess said.

And aside from the loss of your mother, and the scariness of Leprosy Man, and the loss of your AC, and the war, and the loss of Limh, was there anything else?"

"Uh-huh," Tess said. "But we're not going to talk about that right now."

"Alright," Gallagher replied. "Why don't you tell me more about your AC then."

Tess smiled.

"He was my Friend," she said. "He taught me the difference between a lower case friend and an upper case Friend. But he was more than that, Gallagher. He was also my AC."

"What's an AC?" Gallagher asked.

"We're not going to talk about that right now either," Tess said. "But, I can tell you, aside from you he was the only one I ever got under the cyber bed with."

"Really?" Gallagher said with a tinge of surprise to his voice.

"Yep. I'll show you," she said. Tess rose from the table, walked to her chest of drawers, opened one, and ran her fingertips across the top of the file tabs. "Here it is," she said. She pulled a letter from a folder and began to laugh.

"This is one of those old letters, Gallagher, from a long time ago. My AC had never wanted to be a father, you see." She shrugged her shoulders as she returned to her seat. "And that's his choice. It's better that these things are decided before, rather than after. But he had been in love with a woman -- his Beloved -- and she came back into his life. She wanted a family so he consented. Still, he was scared. He thought he was too old at 45 to become a father for the first time. All he could think about was that when his child was 15, he'd be 60. Anyway, one morning, a few days after he found out his Beloved was pregnant, I asked him how he felt about that and he said he felt like getting under his bed with a gun.

Date: 7/19/99 1:05:31 PM
From: Tess
To: The AC
Subject: Move Over!

I'm coming under that bed with you. I brought pizza, (I hope you like pepperoni and mushroom), and some Dr. Pepper. Also, a bed pan -- just in case. (You know how I like to plan ahead.)

Now, (*munch*munch*), you know, this panic and confusion that you suddenly find yourself in the midst of isn't all that unusual. (What the hell is going to happen to my life? What about me? What the phuck was I thinking? I hate shitty bottoms!) Most men, and a great many women feel the same way at the beginning. In fact, that ambivalence and panic can hang around for months. So don't be thinking you're some kind of schmuck just because you haven't yet stocked up on disposable diapers and begun investing in education plans. (I don't.)

It's a wee bit of a shock, after all. Okay, huge! I meant HUGE SHOCK! Sure, you knew that pumping one million eager sperm into *****'s fallopian orbit could result in a real live baby, but hell, now it's actually gone and done itself. (Not even a wee urge to strut in proud paternalistic fashion? Ooooooooooooooh. I hate it when you give me that look. Here -- have some more pizza.)

Anyways, (Don't you ever vacuum under here?), lots of people don't become parents until later in life. Heck, your own mother didn't have you until she was 42 and just look at you now -- you're huddled under a dusty bed at the age of 45, eating pizza, carefully sipping Dr. Pepper, and wondering what the phuck is going to happen to the rest of your life.

Okay. Bad example. Let me think . . .

Well, you're both older and wiser. Certainly much older and wiser than the Beloved and I were when we started having babies. There's a whole bushelful of benefits in that factor. And stop worrying about that whole 'playing football with your kid when he's a teenager' thing! Teenagers today don't want to play football with their fathers, they just want to drive the car and hell, you already have one of those. See? You're up one already. Not doing so bad.

Now, you already know the routine with *****. Talk, talk, talk. Which you're very good at. I know you're good at it. And if she gets defensive, you might have to look at whether or not you're doing anying to prompt that in her. Or she might have to look at why she's feeling attacked. And if you can't sort that little tidbit out on your own, you might have to go see someone who can help with that. After all, this is *****. You've loved her for a long, long time and you want a life with her. This is it. Really-really.

Can we get out from under this bed now?

Tess sighed sadly. "We used to laugh a lot more in those days, Gallagher."

"What happened once he became a father?" Gallagher asked.

"He fell in love with his baby," Tess replied. "Same as most fathers and mothers do."

"And Five-Star Woman is his Beloved?"

"Yes," Tess said. "When I met him they'd been apart for several years, sort of like my Beloved and I, but he never stopped loving her in all that time, Gallagher. I thought that was right admirable of him.

"You don't think it was foolish?"

"No, I don't," she said. "Is love really something you can just walk away from? Does it ever really die? I don't think so. I think it just gets covered up in shit so deep that you can't see it anymore. Maybe then it dies," she added thoughtfully. "Maybe then it suffocates on the crap of daily life." She shrugged. "I don't know."

"So what happened?" Gallagher asked.

Tess sighed. "What happened is that I probably scared his Beloved almost as much as Leprosy Man scared me. She was scared I'd take her Man. I was scared she'd take my Friend. As for my Friend? He was scared that Life would break his Heart. He'd recently lost his other best friend, Gallagher. And his father too. And his mother had passed on as well, and he had no siblings except for the ones he found on his own." She sighed. "Life puts you in tough places sometimes."

"It surely does," Gallagher agreed. "Was that the war you referred to, madame?" he asked.

"No," Tess said with a shake of her head. "I never picked up a sword on that one." She sighed heavily. "Anyway, what happened is one night his Beloved told him he had to make a choice. He could keep her and his child or . . . he could keep his Friend."

"What did he do?" Gallagher asked as he leaned forward to place his elbows on the table and link his hands under his chin.

"He did what he had to do, of course. He did what he should do. He did what was the right thing to do. He let Life break his Heart."

"He and I," she continued, "we are not to speak. We are not to have any contact whatsoever. Do you understand?"

Gallagher nodded his head to indicate understanding.

"But all that we were was Friends, Gallagher. Solidly good Friends." Tess sighed deeply. "What's more, the man needed one. Besides, I already stood before god on that one and I'm clean. Know what I mean?" Tess turned her gaze to meet his and shrugged her shoulders. "Anyway, that's the nutshell version."

Once more, Gallagher nodded his head. "Does your Beloved know about that one, madame?"

"Yes, he does," she said. "I never tried to hide that. It wasn't the kind of Friendship that had to be hidden. Sometimes he was scared about it but he knows that I love him dearly."

"And what about that Friendship, madame? Do you think you can get it back?"

Tess sucked in her breath and then let it out to blow steam across her coffee. "No, Gallagher," she said. "I don't think I can. I think it's gone." She wiped a tear from one eye. "Now, can we abate this line of questioning for awhile?"

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